Tied the Knot

i haven't formally exchanged vows just yet, but there was a short confirmation of being tied. it was a whirlwind. i don't know. i just finally said YES. i was caught up with two dilemmas. a choice between the-not-so-likeable job. i was given enough time to think about it, but i didn't make use of that time to even "think". i wasn't really interested. and i almost had that final decision that i won't take it. but today just turned my life upside down. i was faced with two opportunities and i felt trapped. i thought that i didn't have the luxury to turn down two blessings at the same time. i could not let them just slip into my fingertips... i don't think that i am much valuable to this society that i am badly needed. no, not just yet that i am starting to take the path to corporate world. i am the guinea pig. or i am the youthful fish that is being lured by a striking plastic squid stuck on a hook. i don't even have the right to demand for something else. i've been pathetically convincing myself that i'll be goddamn "rich", so to speak (and that "rich" definition is relative to myself), and save enough for my fetishes. i will do have chances of flying from one foreign island to another. and a promising working environment where i can, or may, find my "knight". but daym, i cannot convince myself just that. i don't know. i hate the place. i frigging hate the hellish traffic! i fear that i'll be working with freaky old people who will maliciously and overly take advantage of their "superiority". i fear being called at night to fix some anomalies lurking around the system. worse, not be able to fix it! be asked to report on a frigging lovely weekend. have myself pestered by *ring*ring*'s flashing through my mobile phone, interrupting my holy days. ride myself to sleepless nights. ghostly midnights. miss the city lights of the high-maintenance world of Makati. miss the skyscrapers and the busy-buzzing people walking through the streets of Ayala. but should i chose something that cannot pay the work that you do? work for the name? thank you very much.

maybe it's just not time to get what i really want. or maybe, i have been focusing myself to the bad part of life that i am subjecting myself to hurt to be able to realize that there's still good things on the other side of it. self-confessed MASOCHIST, remember? maybe i've just been thinking too much. or then again, been complaining for no concrete reason just yet. or maybe it is quite too soon to look further. i haven't started. maybe i just have to take one step at a time. and gawd, i still have long life ahead of me. even before i end up my "tied-up contract" i am just damn 23!!!! young, really... hehe. still more room for success! bring it on!:D

i have had enough of the weighing and the maybe's. it has been delayed. and it is too late. i just have to leave myself with good thoughts coming around. i've promised myself just that. now, i'm thinking of a somewhat "long term" goal in life. well, i just can't believe that i am now driving myself to work because i am gonna be hell earning enough. it wasn't my ultimate goal in life, i just realized again. i want to be ultimately happy with my life, in general. maybe that's the worse part of thinking much. i have been complicating myself with unknown complexities that seem to bother me and make life miserable. much more miserable. well, now, i am thinking that i will be entering another phase and i need to surround myself with a lot of positive thoughts. i shall think that i am entering this job because there's a great possibilty of growth. i should be able to attain a higher level of understanding in this field. oh yes, in the IT field. (i have accepted that line of work, finally) i should prove to myself that i can do things on my own, that i can now decide for myself. that i am now solely in charge of my life, and that i have no other people to blame for my shortcomings. that i have to put myself to the top, because i need to get there, so after two years of being tied, i am ready to sell myself and yes, finally be proud of myself. i have to regain that pride that once was lost. i have to put a price to myself. that i am worth something. no, am not worth any monetary value. i just have to have that feel again that i am something. i am someone. i need to be proud of myself again and win first place.

enough enough. what matters most now is that i have 25 days left to my bummer days. i am CARPE DIEM-ing starting today. wish me luck. and oh, please do pray for me? will you?

Dear Lord, i pray tonight that You may bless me with serenity. i have been indulging myself into deep thinking and it has devoured me for the entire being. i pray that You guide me, as You have always been, that i may find true happiness and fulfillment that i haven't had full grasp of. i have been in continuous search for the path that You have intricately weaved out for me, and may i find one of its strands, through the decisions that i have made. in times of confusion, hear me Oh Lord, so i may be able to resolve the perplexities i am faced with. may You continue to bless me with guidance and wisdom that i may be able to carry out all Your plans for me. Lord, i offer these all to You.


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