Ironic

it's been a while.

i'm really burnt, but i have to keep it burning. i am really tired everyday, that the moment i step into the door of our home sweet home (prolly around 11pm, that is. augh!) i rush into the closet to change, run through the washroom to cool myself and refresh a bit.. and i scramble to my bed (which is quite embarassing to sleep into because my sister has been sleeping beside me for some weeks now... being the 'scaredy cat' that she is, having to hear dogs growling [seeing ghosts daw] and keeping the other room empty), curl into the sheets and lay myself to sleep in seconds. wake up in the morning still feeling groggy (haven't recuperated from the hours of sleep i lost during the overnight) and rushing again to have the warm bath to keep me awake for another day.

three days to go for the deliverables, and it sinks in JUST NOW that, DAYM, it is really nearing.. and IT IS NEAR!!!! waaaaaaaaah. we haven't finished testing, doing that thing for three weeks and counting. but it doesn't end in three days. it'll keep haunting us until the D-day comes. D for doomed, disaster, damned, death-defying (haha, i'll be cold as dead) defense day. waaaaaaaaaaaaah. i hope history wouldn't repeat itself, or even turn out worse. i wouldn't know how to handle the worst. i'm hella scared, nervous and freaking panicky over this. Roger, roger... PARANOIA on call..

on the other side of my melodramatic life, i have been thinking that i have no life beyond school. i really wish i had. i wish i had something exciting to look forward to each day. more reasons to wake up for another day. something to keep me "busy" but not to the point that i have to do it for most of my day. haaayyyy. however, i've been thinking about the irony that i have been wishing to end school, but for sure, at the end of it all (in the hope that it will end) i will miss it.. everything. everytime. everyone. awwwww...

oh well. you can never really get what you want. or keep something standing still. or even hold on to everything forever.  that is IMHO.

i want to move on to another phase in life, but i am scared to face the future. i want to be happy but when it comes, i fear that it will end soon. i want to leave but i want to keep them all. i want you, but i am scared to be with you. i love you, but i don't even know what it is all about.
 
when can i write something extraordinarily happy blog? DAYM. how hopeless can i get?!? darn it, i don't want to seem hopeless and desperate but i am!!!! huhuhuhuhuh..;(


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