Highness

This is quite a delay. But the memory still lingers, and the thought of that night will always be easily at grasp.

We have grown;) She was really panicky over the week before that day on how to go about the event. Well not really of the event, twenty-two years of celebration is nothing, but the problem is with the banquet itself. Hehehe. Pano, she was expecting almost THIRTY, yes, 3-0, people to come over and celebrate with her. Daym, I never realized that we were really that big if were really complete:D To add, she had invited her other friends she just recently gained from med school. Buti nalang, she came telling her mom about it, and finally settled to hold it in their humble abode.

We were excited, especially me, about the event because my other girl-friend had plotted a surprise! Wiipeee! I love throwing surprises (and being thrown at, too!). The thought of their bulging eyes, whopping with awe, bursting out of their sockets was surely something I was looking forward to.

We were late, as usual. Half of it because of me, quarter of it because of the other driver (:P), eighth of it because of the parking, and the rest was because I still came looking for that person in the parking lot. Hehe. With anxiousness that I made that person wait (again:P), and the worry that a sudden change of mind be made because of the lack of information on the venue. Hehe. Well, a shake of the head was given, and a sigh, and a sort of complain was heard, but we still made it. Hehehe. I was pushing it because it was part of the surprise:D

And so they were all there. They were in shock on the sight of me, telling me that I am now 18 years old. Harharhar. For those who didn't know, I was only 13 since we last saw each other (at puerto:D). But now, I'm on my pony tail and my cult accessories (I've been praying real hard you know:P). And there was our photographer friend who plays candidly on shooting at us. Till we're drop dead for pictures. Haha. I was so happy that I was able to see them complete, almost, and we were all there to share with her the event.

It was great. Nothing special, but it was great. It always had been the best being with them. I feel safe and at extreme highness (with no illegal medications taken:P).

To call it my story, I was happy that when we lighted them all, as expected, they were in total shock and I am glad they really liked them;) There's still the anecdote of the cake but I will save it for another post. It deserves a solo. Hahaha. I was just totally happy that they not only liked them, but loved them. Hay:) With the looks on their faces, whew, made me stretch a timid smile, but jolted my heart that came jumping and shouted for joy! Still, I am bearing that with me;) It was all worth it.

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Three Days

It's been three days since the last exchange of words were given. She said it was nothing on the first day. On the second, she thought it was normal. But this third day, she came across the thought that maybe it isn't. It wasn't nothing and it is not normal. She thought that it was something she knew she could handle, but at the end of today, she's probably wrong. She was attached. She is. And for the longest time (longest time in that short span), it was routinary for them to be in correspondence. Even if there is really nothing to talk about (maybe bored, tired, frustrated, down, a complainant, retrospective, restless, stressed, basically in any mode they were), they will talk, in whichever avenue they might think they can reach each other. She got to talk with her friend, and was even proud to say that she is okay. But, with the looks of it, obviously she is not.

She had reconciled to herself about the things that were bothering her for the past weeks. And the day she prayed to God that He might give her the sign she wanted, in His grace, He actually did. She prayed hard (with her other friends who felt for her), that whatever happens on that day would give a clearer picture of her uncertainties. She thanked God, that despite what happened, there's always a good thing that transpired. Enough of the preaching, but God is really good that He never leaves you with nothing. Despite all, there's still something we're given to realize that there's always the good in everything.

Funny it is, it only had been three days. It is not the end of it all, my dear (so he calls you:)). What you have is not for trash that you will throw away right then and there. He would not think of that. He doesn't even know that that's what you're thinking! Harharhar. Paranoid you. Dang. Learn from it. Feeling is strong, you've got nothing to worry about.:) Am Positive. Cheer up! Everything will be fine. You're just thinking too much. Learn from him;)

Experience is the best teacher. But who said that it only had it be yours for you to learn?

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Pampalipas oras

Habang nag-aantay ako na tumira yung kalaban ko sa YG (:P), naisip ko yung mga "say" sakin ng mga tao sa akin lately. Medyo weird, na nakakainis, na nakakatawa, na ewan. Hehehe. Una, first impression daw sakin "mataray". Nge. Totoo ba yan? Hindi ko alam kung naiinis ako kasi hindi naman totoo, o dahil ayaw ko lang tanggapin? Kahit si ***, akalain mong sinabi sakin na 'actually, yan talaga ang first impression ko sayo.' At sinabi din ni **** na, 'mataray ka naman talaga e'. At pinaka nakakaasar na sinabi ni ***** na 'oo, nakakainis yung pagkamataray na gusto kitang ...'. Wag ko na ituloy baka sya ang ma.... ko. Ah ewan. Pero good thing pa rin ba na sabihin na kahit ganon na ang first impression, di naman daw nag-last? And hindi talaga totoo? Ewan. The fact kasi na may ganong impression, negative that is, syempre hindi masaya diba? Who would take a negative comment with a smile diba? At mag-thank you pa ako dahil ganon impression nila? Oh well. Sige pasalamat na lang ako (o sila?) na hindi talaga ako ganon:P

This week or this month lang ata, dami nagsabi na maganda daw feet ko. Wahaha. Ano yan parang manok? Kelangan kilatisin ang paa? Adidas? Hahaha. Pero in fairness, sabi ng boss ko (hehe mega boss to! wooohooo!) maganda daw sya, at marami daw guys ang may mga fetish dito (haha, totoo at may kilala ako:p). Hay. Parang ano ba yan, hello, I have nice feet. Can we be friends? Yuck ano ba yan. Hehehe. So dapat pala pag nag-date ako dapat naka-sandals. Wekhekhek. Pero in fairness, kahit na madami nakapansin, nahiya naman ako bigla. Tinatago ko tuloy yung paa ko pag napapansin. Hehe. (pero nag-yapak ako kahapon nung nag-10-20 kami. Hahahaha!)

Last but not the least comment, eh TUMABA DAW AKO!! Wahaha! Applause, applause! Hehe, congrats. Pero, sa sinabi nya sakin, parang natakot tuloy ako. Inasar kasi ako na "taba", feeling ko tuloy OA na. Waaaah. Tinanong ko pa sya kung good o bad. Sabi nya nde naman daw masyadong panget. Man, the operative word.. 'masyadong'.. ibig sabihin medyo lang. Oh no! Natakot naman ako bigla. Ayoko naman maging lumba-lumba. Gusto ko lang magkalaman. Hehe.

Yun lang. Tapos ko na to, di pa rin sya nakakatira. Hay ang tagal mo!:P

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Past

The head is complaining of a bad headache, and wishes to be banged against the wall. But here are her fingers starting to frolic towards the keys and try to mimic the story in her head that wants to be untold.

It had passed. And now, with all truthfulness and honesty, she has come to say it was all in the past. Well, there was really no "past" to speak of in the first place, but for the sake of saying that she had, so say there is. There was no tension.. no apprehensions to talk of the present (although only at one side). And who would have thought that it was her giving "advice", so to speak, about relationships and overcoming dilemmas of it. Harharhar. What a funny way to get back talking. Anyway, what's even funnier is to discuss how to get over his "persistent" problems about such, those he thought he had gone over in the past, but unfortunately didn't, and he is still experiencing with his present. Although, there was a significant change, and she is glad that things have been better. But the point is that now, she is the one giving advices on how to overcome it, and now he's listening.. Oh well. Maybe he thought she was just being idealistic that they could still get the relationship (if ever there was, really) back on track. What the heck! In any case, she is happy that he has found that person that could make him happy, and to get him out of that box he has been keeping himself tucked for more than 20 damn years.

And then she realized afterall, that she's been hearing herself on him. about him. of him. Whatever. What he is yakking about is what she's been yakking to another, and the advices that she has been giving were those that another person is giving her. Did you get it? It was as if she had the license of giving them. More so, it was a bad idea since it was an unsolicited advice, and it sounded pathetic that it was as if she was talking to herself. Oh well.. It's always easier said than done.

So to cut the long story short, she is glad that she got the friendship back. It was something that meant more to her than anything else. She firmly believed that it will never die whatever happens. And she hopes she's still right.

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Mantra

Prescription:
1. Take occasional breaks.
2. Repeat aloud as often as possible.
3. Breathe and internalize.

You can only live one day at time.

The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win.

You can't have the best of both worlds.

Relax and enjoy whatever is there.

You will either find a way, or make one! - Hannibal

--
Thank you for making things lighter. Sure these are just words, but more than that I know there are people I can rant on to whenever. I hope you will still be there until my vocal cords are strained and my fingers complain (to build my yakking into words). Thank you.

imu.

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Leech

Just when you thought you lost them all, they all come back and wave to say that they are still here.

It has been a stressful week. I have never been stressed this much, as far as I can remember. Enough of the whinings, this time I felt my brain shut down for an hour. I was completely immobile, unproductive, and relenting for a moment there. But I was glad that I have recovered myself from such agony and pulled out by people who, just as I thought, would never leave me in awe. Even with a single word, even a single gesture, even with simple smile, never failed to boost me with hope.

I am happy that I have you, all, here with me. I am standing here, attached to every piece of you. Caress me with your comforting words. Bathe me with your touch. Speak to me like songs I'll never hear. Don't ever leave me, will you? But I know someday you will. You all will. I'll be alone someday, yet still I am thanking you all. For now, be with me as I fall asleep.

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Blue Sky - Hale

When do stars fade their light?
Does the moon and the sun make it right
For you the world maybe
Like an endless storm chasing a mystery

Is there hate in your heart?
Does your body drop and tell you to stop
Loving you or loving me
When it all falls down you just sing with me

Coz there's a blue sky waiting tomorrow
Waiting tomorrow shining and shimmering
A blue sky waiting tomorrow
Waiting tomorrow
Maybe it's all we need

Oh don't you wash away that smile
You just look out the window and see the light
It's beautiful to be alive
It's wonderful to live a life

The sun is sure to shine
For you and me for everyone
So don't be sad it's just the start
Of a new beginning in your life

Rain will keep on pouring
Some things you can't control
And while the sun seems far and hard to hold
It will unfold

There will always be a blue sky
A blue sky waiting tomorrow

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To Violet

To read of another intricately written prose about a woman's love to once she called her man, never failed to bring a concealingly weeping heart and an almost teary-eyed facade. It must have been really hard for her to let go. In retrospect, through all of the years spent together, it is definitely a struggle to draw herself out of that history.

And so Violet came reading constantly that woman's posted grief. It was as if the pain was seeping through her veins. It was as if she was feeling the same way. They knew nothing of each other. They were strangers, Violet and that woman. But what could have brought Violet to feel just the same? It was a mystery. It is.

No one would ever have thought that she was invlove, oh i mean inlove.. errr, involved with that same man. There was just a mere connection of amity between Violet and that man. But she never thought, in her darkest moments, she will fall.

To Violet, who knew nothing about love..

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Sonnet XVII - Pablo Neruda

From the archives to bring you hope of your love to be discovered.

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Not much of a change

So, did you like it? It's still the same ol' tomato. But it needed to be replenished. It's been a year and things have changed. Some are for good. Some turned worse. However, no drastic changes just yet. Maybe soon. If things turn out really well.

I'm happy:) Really.

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Fruity Talk

I came across this site and found quite interesting to be shared. I was looking for something to rename my url, and came across finding sites about tomato.. which is indeed a fruit. And found some exact translation of some fruits in Tagalog.

Cooking Banana/Plantain = Saba
Bitter Melon/Bitter Gourd = Ampalaya (someone was arguing to another the correct translation. and now i know they're both correct)
Caimit = Kaimito
Guanabana/Soursop = Guyabano

And that:
Loofah is really a fruit. And it's also called the "sponge gourd".
Pumpkin seeds are the true "squash seed".
Tomato are not to be refrigated -- the cold adversely affects the flavor and the flesh.

--
http://www.nutribase.com/fruits.shtml

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Balisong - Rivermaya

It has been different. Nostalgic it is, but now it resounds with a different tone.. A tone which echoes the same way as the throbbing of my heart.

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes;
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control -
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
The way dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend.
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

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130th

you will never always get what you want.

and things always, always do not turn out the way you expect it to be.

coz it is always the infamous "expect the unexpected".

but it is always at its best to get the feeling of a SURPRISE.

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Reinventing

I'm better. It's good to personally justify that you can manipulate your feelings/actions/reactions. It's just a matter of putting things into perspective. Even if it's hard, the truth is that it is only our choice to keep our vision straight. Right through where it's supposed to be.

Alas, alas! For the nth time around, I have been reminded that I am a big contradiction. Hahaha. I always keep on yakking about "living life to the fullest", but i myself haven't internally and fully accepted. To be "ideally preaching" of how should life be lived has just been a still picture. Devoid of action, as to walk the talk, or practice what you preach. I am just as always, fond with words.. Or with talking that is.

To love, to life, even to the tumultuous politics, I have then realized that I don't have any license to talk about it. Without, or the lack of experience and attachment to them, I do not have just as credibility to even pose a thought to be believed that i do make sense. Rubbish.

What's the next step? Thanks to the pep-talks I get every morning in my mails, and a bit of sermon through instant messaging, I have to work this out. I have to work myself out to be better, and to live the way I should, and the life as it is. For me, as ideal as it can be. Striking boldly, that to be ideal doesn't necessarily mean being perfect. But to lead it as you like it, thru your own (rooting from the word) IDEA. That the entire universe will conspire to help you achieve it. And that it will always be the FAITH that will keep you through.

Amen.

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Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

===
Thanks to Jonathan who gave me that U2 CD:P Belated/Advanced Merry Christmas:D

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In Random

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

There is a struggle between to write or to read. The senses have been battling whether to burst out your own sundry emotions or to take in emotional spurts as you leaf through the pages of another man's story. The heart is in demand of both. Which will you choose?

To think or not to think. Inevitably, the brain is incapable of malfunctioning. Unless you want to be dead. Or to be mentally inoperative. But to keep yourself from thinking of the shoulda-woulda-coulda's. Damn, really driving you nuts. To live life to the fullest will be the greatest remedy. To forget that the word REGRET even exists.

To love or to hate. There's a very thin line that separates four letters, that only sets its boundaries with its last commonality. 'E'.. for EMOTIONS. that both are genuine emotions, that can one can draw the conclusion to which side he has fallen into until physically acknowleding the situation. Feelings can never be dreamt, imagined, or even justified without confronting it. Even if it is surreal to even find words to encompass the true meaning of it, the truth beyond what the heart is beating can only be acknowledged upon sincere acceptance.. that you have fallen to love, or crashed upon hate.

I have then realized that in my defenses, I have come to incur contradiction to put myself into deep exasperation of masochism. That in arguments, I am beginning to feel that I am gaining more knowledge, and that I can build up my own view points towards a specific idea. And that to argue (without physical contact) and stress your brain from stretching its nerves to come up with bursts of ideas for the heck of contradicting, has brought me that relief that my brain is still working. Haha. Freak. However, now I am beginning to confuse myself to which side I'm really into. I am not somewhere in the middle. Neither at the positive or at the negative. I am like a limitless and directionless contradiction flowing against through both ends of infinity. I am posting another conflict, is this just me with "specific men"?

I have to stop. The room is now filled with strangers. Only through solitude I could embrace my indefinite comfort for words.

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Girlfriends

one of those, if not the only, opinion that mattered most to me.. whose influence can strike me the most, good or even bad (and can be the WORST!). hehehe. who would definitely, and i mean with utmost certainty, never leave you without a word of HOPE or anything to back you up. if the worse comes to the worst, there's always that escape to recover from you being caught up in whatever trap you have got yourself into. the ulitmate, REALIST, who can break you free when you're blinded by idealism that's ruling in YOU.. to allow you to view the box on different perspectives.

a prisoner of the so-called epitome of a true FILIPINA, has ESCAPED the incarceration of MARIA CLARA. haha. true enough, she has clearly gotten over board that impression, and has become the total opposite. which, take note, make one person gone mad.. DRUNKEN MAD because of this transition. (hehe FREAK!) however, despite this change, it didn't make her less of a friend... less of that GREATEST friends i have ever had. idealist turned realist (yes, because of the influence of the forementioned, dunno if that's a good sign or otherwise:p). the one who can ultimately listen to whatever. and would even go across to reach you. the person who would remind you to keep the FAITH. faith in whichever aspect.

no word can better describe her than the three letter word that builds the primary unit of a home. MOM. the number one icon of SELFLESSNESS. of a martyr(?).. of the OC.. of the filipino time.. of the nagger. haha. isn't she really the MOM?!:P although, you would have some doubts that she may be a good listener (her mind always floating to somewhere else, either to TV or to another person:P) she still is. really:) in any way you would think that you have no more friends left.. you're definitely wrong. coz you've got one that can never forget (uhm, exceptional in replying to text messages:P).

i love you all. thanks for the ultimate friendship. it has been almost seven years of friendship. of sisterhood. of "late-bloomers-hood". of boy-craziness. let's all cheer to that, with a bottle of vodka cruiser:D *yabang*

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Constantly

I knew it was there
Though I tried to hide it
The feeling just kept on shining through
Haven't know you that long
So I try to deny it
But the feeling was much too much too strong

Could this be love
Deep down inside
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart

Constantly, you're on my mind
Thinking about you all the time
I can't sleep no matter what I do
I just keep on thinking 'bout you

Why do I feel this way
When I know you have someone
That you're seeing each and every day
Should I play this game
Of just being your friend
When I know that's not where I want it to end

How could this be wrong
When the feeling's so strong
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart

No I don't want to start no trouble
Between you and I and your lover
But I must tell you what I'm going through
Everytime you walk by I see love in your eyes

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Things I don't want to admit

1. i lost an argument
2. i am childish (yes, not childlike)
3. there is such thing as "gray area"
4. i am a snob
5. i am totally over with the "past".. NOT!
6. that i have "loved" (from kaykay)

and finally,
that feelings is not a choice. attraction either. that everything is not absolute EVERYTHING. that we are bound with some limits and we cannot encompass the entirety of the universe with one word as E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

am i beginning to say that now I DO? did i fall again?

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Confession

i have forgotten the day i felt the way i did for the past week. it may seem over-reacting (oh maybe it is), and pure exaggeration, but it is to my deepest regret that i am now a self-confessed sentimental fool, very much attached to everything that is kept close to me (like sucking leech, yeck!), and clingy to my past.

the feeling has been bad. big time.. everything seems to be flashing back. the emotions had been mixed up. it's always that selfish me that pulls me back to embrace the future. it's always the jealous me, with a breaking heart, when i see somebody else has taken place. it's always that pity me that fails to bring herself up and needs a little prodding to move on, bit by bit.

...on my right, i see the clock which tells me that i am late.. when i turn a bit, i see that screen which tells me that, (no, not again), i'm not listening. to my left, i see that board, where the dates have been written, but had never been on time. just right in front of it is that seat that has always been occupied. when i enter the room, it always gives me that warm feeling.. that i am safe in my refuge. a brush in the head that gives me that comfort that i can be the best that i can be.

...when i look back, i have never enjoyed it than yesterday. it is as if the heavens have told me to relish each day. for time may come that you might regret enjoying it, and that the only chance you could take is to imagine at the back of your mind.

oh no. here i go again. i have promised myself that i will not mope about this. excuse my confession.

thanks to all who painted that lovely history to my lifetime.

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S-A-D

ang lungkot ko kahapon. grabe. hay:((

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