no masochist for nothing

i am emotionally wrecked this week. i cannot further elaborate on the nitty-gritty details, but i am on an indefinite sanity with an imbalanced state of mind.

i can barely recall the last time i shed tears. however, those tears have flowed in ducts that sore a fortnight, were tears of sadness. now, i shed tears of incomprehensible disbelief, of betrayal, of being hopeful for nothing, of deprivation to that chance i thought will compensate for waiting. i was given false hopes. i may be wrong for assuming, but i will never have assumed if i have never been told. i am hurt not because i was defeated of a chance, but i am hurt because i knew that i was not given what i deserved. that i did not receive what i knew, with all my heart, i knew was for me.

my heart has been amassed with spears of doubt and fear. daggering to every nerve, seemingly making me numb. i am frightened that i may fall into a trap that i cannot escape. only finding myself slowly being devoured into what seemed to be a quicksand.. struggling for survival. i do not know when to stop. i do not know if it's even starting. i am beginning to think that there must be something wrong. but i beg myself to differ. talk about self-contradictory madness. i am still trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong. i am hopeful that i can still bear with it. that i will not give up until the limit has been pushed.

i am mad. crazy. depressed. puzzled. hurt. deprived. hurt. scared. unnoticed. torn. hurt. then again, i am no masochist for nothing.

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